Writings

I write this message to you on the 35th day after my most beloved teacher and spiritual mother, Sally Kempton, transitioned from her body. These 35 days of puja (ritual, ceremony, prayer, devoted celebration) have catapulted me back (forward) to studying, reading, writing and praying.

I offer my deepest bows of gratitude and all encompassing love and adoration for Sally as her soul is set free — back into the arms of the Divine Mother — whom she dedicated her life in celebration of.

A true master of embodied wisdom, Sally was a living, breathing, endlessly flowing current of divine love and devotion to sacred practice. After nearly 30 years in the ashram as Swami Durgananda, she remained a bohemian, rebellious, whip smart and witty intellectual who never missed a chance to point out the irony all around us in her iconic nonchalant manner. She was hilarious and breathtakingly profound. She was so real. I could talk to her about anything. She ran circles around me in reference to pop culture and melted my heart open with her hymn-like transmission of tantric teachings — all over a short cup of tea or quick phone call.

Sally taught me devotion. She showed me this through her unwavering love and acceptance. She showed me how to ask for help, to offer myself at the feet of the divine mother in humble reverence. She showed me that its not possible to fall out of the grace of Goddess. No udder of a curse word, sip of wine, light of a smoke or raging unfiltered expression of anger or judgment could ever take me away from the LOVE that is the true essence of everything. On the contrary, everything is a doorway to the infinite. I am nothing other than Consciousness itself.

Sally showed me true feminine leadership, utterly void of hierarchy. She didn’t have to talk about it; she just embodied it. I don’t need permission from anyone to speak to the Divine Mother. I don’t need to say it perfectly or even a certain amount of times. SHE is always listening, always holding us. She is all around us and within us — and now so are you Sally.

Sally came to get me when I was in hell.

While I was in my second coma on a ventilator with COVID, during the birth of my son, Sally held a zoom vigil for me with many loved ones. As I hovered between life and death — after just bringing life into this world, she mothered and midwifed me back into this world to be with my son… Now as Uma, the name which she first introduced to me.

In the deepest darkest depths of my coma she did what she does best. She opened the heart field, the web of pulsating Shakti love — and she chanted. She called my name and had everyone else do the same. She didn’t call for Ashleigh, the name she had called me for over a decade—-she called for Uma. She called to my highest self, my deepest self. The self I have been returning to, remembering and becoming alongside her guidance for nearly 15 years.

My soul sister Meg McCraken was by my side in the hospital bed during this call so that I could hear the mantras. The doctors had been concerned about my very fast heart rate for days. I was on nearly 100% life support. With the vibratory frequency of the mantras and Sally’s incredibly powerful ability to transmit Shakti through technology (one of her Saraswati super powers to be sure) — at last, my heart rate slowed and stabilized. I have chills and tears again writing this.

My heart breaks open again and again with gratitude for being alive. It wasn’t my time to go.
I am suffering from regret these days in the wake of Sally’s transition from her body. I haven’t spoken to her since I left the hospital. We missed each other in communication a few times. It was strange. The fullness of life as a new mom and recovering from this near death took over and I had her in my notebook (at the top of the list always) to call again. I was crushed to learn I won’t ever speak to her again in her physical form. Now I practice remembering that some of life’s greatest things are left unfinished, left open. Now I see and hear and feel here everywhere and in everything. I am remembering to talk to her out loud, write her letters and listen for her whispers within my heart, carried on the wings of wind.

Jai Sally Ma, Jai Maha Durge Ma, Jai Jai Maha Shakti.
Thank you for this life and this love. Thank you for my perfect baby boy.

Sally, Durgananda, fiercely loving mother to us all — Thank you for your life, your love and your devotion to love itself. Now the endless river of your teachings flows through the hearts of your beloved students.

I love you.

Thank you for showing me the way HOME.

Uma

Unrecognized offerings from your heart
Worse yet,
Your offering claimed as someone else’s
Your compassionate gesture
So desperately needed
And so hard to give
Conjured up from the depth of your soul
Given freely
Only to reach the receiver
Masked in the hands of someone else

Don’t stop. Stay open.
Continue to give yourself freely
Even in the face of fraud
The Beloved within us knows
And your love gesture will be carried
On whispers of her wind
Into the hearts of who it is meant

I choose boundlessness over security
Love over convention
passion over pragmatism
truth over peace (because real truth brings the deepest peace)
I choose growth over comfort
faith over fear
instability over imprisonment
messy fights over quiet suffering
risking it all over wondering what could have been
I choose fumbling around trying to hear the voice of the Beloved speaking to me over pushing Her to silence because what she’s whispering seems impossible.
I choose freedom above all else.
freedom to try my best and fail
freedom to start all over again
freedom to stay the course
freedom to find my own soul path in this lifetime.
without this freedom we have nothing
and without this freedom we have nothing to give
Freedom above all else.

Clearing the mist of the misconception of separateness
Piercing the shadowy vail cast by fear
The path of awakening is not a straight line
The experience of relaxing into the truth of what is becomes the Shakti presence
The feminine path of freedom
Not letting go of anything
Letting go into everything

I listened to a podcast the other day where Caroline Myss discussed the courage to combat evil. She described evil as being “the absence of grace” and moments when we consciously choose to disconnect from our conscience. I understand this to be when we let our choices and actions be driven by fear, rather than from an intent to do harm. Spiritual work/light work/love work requires that we have faith and trust in something bigger than us and that takes immense courage. It’s not for the faint of heart. She goes on to say that one of the reasons we have such a hard time having faith in something bigger is because we don’t have faith or trust in ourselves. Faith is something that is built from the inside out. Not something we get by projecting it out into the world with spiritual showmanship or bypassing. We build trust in ourselves by upholding virtues. Virtues like trust, dignity, self-respect and respect for others are REAL and they are the structures that uphold the benevolence of the universe. If we can cultivate real faith and trust in ourselves by acting in ways that are connected to our conscience, we can begin to trust the goodness of the universe. Upholding a virtue may perhaps be one of the most courageous acts of love. If we are to be true holy men and holy women we must develop ourselves into instruments of courage and release our fear of being out of control. It’s from these courageous acts that we create more love and free ourselves and one another from suffering. It ain’t easy but this a true path of love and devotion.

Yoga has never been just about our relationship with ourselves. It is about our connection with our Self as much as it is about relationships and the ability to connect and reflect with others and the world. When we isolate ourselves so much that we just exist inside our own “practice” we detach from the greater Reality and are subject to operate under our own personal version of what is real rather than opening to other perspectives and the divine reflection of others.

It’s one of these sneaky ways the ego hijacks the driver’s seat – not wanting to hear what others have to say – and hides under the disguise of things like martyrdom and unconditional love. We can trick ourselves to believing that because we are yogis or meditators or spiritual practitioners, we know Truth and hide away within our own minds instead of leaning into the support of friends, family and the wisdom of ancient traditions and technologies like yoga to help give us the full picture.

This isolated way of operating is super dangerous because we thrust ourselves right into the nasty position of playing god (one of the many forms of spiritual bypassing), thinking we know best and then we step into the world driven by an opinion that is isolated from the bigger picture, not connected. And this is the absolute opposite of yoga, union. So may we lean into the support around us . May we have the courage to ask for help and reflection. And may we have the open mind to really listen. May we become a part of the greater whole rather than building walls around us and keeping our hearts in a cage.

Yoga has never been just about our relationship with ourselves. It is about our connection with our Self as much as it is about relationship and the ability to connect and reflect with others and the world.